It’s been a whirlwind over at our house : ) We are settling in well with little (actually not so little) Gus. He is still in a preemie haze, so we actually have no way of knowing what he *will* actually be like as a baby. He is super sleepy all of the time and has a few alert, wide-eyed periods a day, but mostly sleeps if he isn’t eating. He does giggle often and he seems to be a happy baby. We are slowly finding a rhythm, while I wouldn’t call it a routine. We are finding our way out of survival mode and I hope to start working on finding a routine soon. Right now, we are lucky because we can sleep in after a long night, get ready slowly in the morning (B makes the BEST lattes), and just sort of slip in to our day. He is a big eater, which is great, because eating as a challenge for him for his first three weeks or so. He is insatiable and nursing has been a challenge because he got so used to the bottle in the NICU and he is a lazy eater also and wants to take in as much milk as possible with minimal effort. We have some habits to correct with eating.
We aren’t as much of a mess right now as I expected. I’m sure it will be tougher when we are back to work. Right now we are staying on top of laundry, managing to get a decent nights’ rest, keeping on top of washing bottles and pump parts, and feeding our selves decent meals. We even did our first outing the other day and it went great. For the most part, B and I are being kind to ourselves. I am usually the one who is nasty, but at least I’m quick to apologize. B is doing a good job rolling with my crazy hormones.
I’ve been thinking a lot, and I think that something we have on our side is that we didn’t really have any expectations of what newborn “daze” (hehe get it days=daze?), would be like. I was so focused on just getting Gus here alive that I am pretty open right now and am basically a blank slate as far as how I think things *should* go. Even in my fantasies about maternity leave, I always figured I’d be standing on the side of the road crying while attempting to breast feed while on a walk or some shitshow like that. I never set myself up for disappointment envisioning having my shit together or anything like that. Aside from being incredibly anxiety-ridden about Gus’ general health (is he breathing, is he eating enough?, does his reflux cause him pain?), we are actually pretty relaxed.
I think part of it can be attributed to being bereaved parents. We are so grateful that Gus is here and thankful for the little moments, that a lot of other things maybe don’t cause us as much distress or upset as they may other new parents. Our journey to parenthood has been anything but traditional, so I suppose my expectations of motherhood, having an infant, and life in general right now vary a bit from “new moms.” I’m not going to say that the 2:30-4:00 am feed doesn’t wear me out, but I have the moment where I look in to his eyes and see his sister in his face and am just so incredibly grateful. Even for that early morning wake up.
It will be interesting to see what I have to say on the topic in a few months. I am a naturally anxious person, so I think some of my behavior, tendencies, and thoughts right now are a bit out of character for me.
I do struggle with allowing myself to fall in to a deep sleep. I am terrified of him having an apnea event while I am sleeping. I shouldn’t be, because he wasn’t having them during his “trial period” prior to being discharged and he should have grown out of it by now, but I’m still scared. The first few nights were terrifying, and since he has reflux and is a loud sleeper, I barely got any rest. I’ve graduated to using ear plugs which is a huge step for me, because the first few nights I pretty much kept an eye open on him all night.
I am the safe sleeping police, and am so scared of falling asleep while feeding him. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, I’m so scared of SIDS. I unfortunately have met other bereaved parents who’ve lost babies to SIDS and I just know too much 😦 It’s definitely a challenge parenting a live baby after losing a baby.
We decided to reserve the first month just for us. There’s a good chance that Gus will be our only child to raise, so we are trying to really relish the experience. B is a really good partner and I haven’t felt the need to call in reinforcements yet. My mom will come visit after B goes back to work, and then B’s folks will come after she leaves. It will be nice to have visitors at different stages. With Gus being a preemie, I’d rather the grandparents come when he is starting to be more alert too, to make the most of their visits since they live far away. We’ve had one of our good friends over often and we feel so fortunate that we have an honorary Auntie so near to us who will be able to watch Gus for us when we are ready for a date night! We hope to start having other visitors over soon too! We were instructed by the NICU to try to keep visitors to a minimum the first few weeks home, and we are just needing some time just us, so we haven’t really had anyone over or to the hospital to meet Gus except for my sister and niece and some of the honorary aunties.
I’ve been thinking often about Scarlet. I see her in Gus, which makes complete sense since they are siblings. It just hits me really hard sometimes. The more I get to parent Gus, the more I experience what we missed out on with Scarlet. There’s a strong need to compartmentalize it all. I would never wish Gus away. It wouldn’t be possible to have both of my babies here at one time. I deeply miss Scarlet and wish that I could have experienced these moments with her that I am experiencing with Gus. I am so blissed out with Gus. I am of course a bit frazzled and nervous, but I am over the moon happy right now. When I blogged last about bringing Gus home, and all of the emotions washing over me as a bereaved parent, our friend Rachel captured things beautifully and said “It’s all love anyway,” and I keep reciting that in my head. I feel like I am holding a miracle in my arms and the gravity of that will never be lost on me. I didn’t know how I’d feel after welcoming Gus, and I wish there was a better description than “bittersweet.” There isn’t really anything bitter about it, so we will go with Kintsugi, , but it is a work in progress. I’ve been thinking a lot about friends of mine who are their parents’ living child after a loss. I think about how amazing those people are and what an impact they’ve made to their parents lives, those of their friends and partners, their fields, and their communities. It doesn’t make it any “easier” in processing the grief of the lost child, but it assists in establishing how important Gus’ presence will be in many lives. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason and that’s not what I’m saying, but one of the best ways for me to process it all right now is to think about the Penumbras (link here for definition) in my life and how much they mean to me. I want Gus to always know that while there was an older sibling who lived briefly before him who we love and miss very much, he belongs with us. It’s just a lot to take in ❤
Back to Gus- we are thrilled to be home from the NICU. We still have a lot to figure out and Gus is still an “easy baby,” right now because his premature brain is still coming together, so he will probably keep us on our toes more in the coming weeks. We are just so happy. It was all worth it. It was all so hard. I’ve been crashing and burning a bit reflecting on the stress and trauma of it all. We could have lost him. It’s still so scary. It makes me that much more grateful that he is here. If I had a “rapper name” I think I’d be called “Scratch & Dent.” I consider myself “damaged goods” of sorts, which is OK 🙂 It’s all par for the course with my life experiences and I think a lot of people can relate in their own way. I have a lot that I’m trying to reconcile and it helps to process it all when I have a beautiful little baby to look at. My journey parenting after loss is beginning now, which is a new chapter in my unique story. I’ve been thinking about all of my friends and loved ones who have experienced a similar journey and it brings me hope that I will hopefully be able to be a good Mom and give Gus what he needs while juggling my own baggage ❤
My friend Michelle made Gus this beautiful hat like Carl’s in the movie “UP!” and we had a photo shoot with it the other day. I love this boy so much. I love him for who he is now and who he will grow to be. I can’t wait to see what adventures life holds with him in it.
Adventure is out there!
We Are Part Of the Club 